Fermilab Today April Fools' Day 2011

Friday, April 1
Bison Appreciation Day
In honor of National Bison Appreciation Day, Fermilab's herdsman will hold a raffle. The winner gets to assist in the birth of a bison baby.
1-2 p.m.
Agenda setting meeting for next week's meeting - Curia II
Speaker: Harderthan Needstobe
3:30 p.m.
DIRECTOR'S DDR (Dance Dance Revolution) - 2nd Flr X-Over
4 p.m.
Theoretical Physics Seminar (NOTE TIME) - One West
Speaker: Notrea Llyhere
Title: Holographic universe - Do we really exist?
8 p.m.
DIRECTOR'S Glow in the Dark Paintball- Main Ring Prairie

Friday, April 2
12:30 p.m.
Physics for One Person - One West
Speaker: Lot S. Ajargon
Title: Can primordial magnetic waves seeded by electroweak strings cause a misalignment of quasar axes on an astrological scale?
3:30 p.m
DIRECTOR'S Roller Derby - Main Ring Road

Click here for NALCAL,
a weekly calendar with links to additional information.


WeatherChance of Thundersnow 30°/82°

Lengthy but optimistic projections well into the mid-2020s


Current Security Status

Secon Level 3

Wilson Hall Cafe

Wednesday, April 1
- Breakfast: American muffin sandwich
- Horse pies
- Cheesy greek squeeze
- Smart cuisine: Grilled ants
- *Cheval on a stick
- Assorted sliced slugs

*Carb restricted alternative

Wilson Hall Cafe Menu

Chez Leon

Wednesday, April 1
- Bourguignon de cheval
- Pate cooked sous vide
- Pecan bourbon sorbet

Thursday, April 2
- Marinated horsemeat tacos with spicy sauce
- Pi ala mode

Chez Leon Menu
Call x4598 to make your reservation.


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Riding into the future

BSS employee Bill Cody drives a new FTS vehicle from the Pine Street entrance to Wilson Hall.

This Earth Day, April 22, Fermilab will take another step on the path to a sustainable laboratory. In an effort to comply with goals set by Secretary Chu to reduce greenhouse gases and the size of Fermilab’s automobile fleet, the lab will launch its new Frontier Transportation System. The FTS will make low- and zero-emission conveyances available for free to any trained staff member or user traveling between locations on laboratory grounds.

“Many cities have had great success with bicycle sharing systems, but we wanted to put our own twist on the concept by paying homage to Wilson’s frontier legacy,” said Chief Operating Officer Bruce Chrisman. “The FTS fleet emits a fraction of the greenhouse gases of automobiles, is powered by natural resources abundant on site, and, best of all, will grow over time at no additional cost to the lab.”

The first phase of the low-maintenance system will consist of a fleet of 50 horses stationed throughout the site.

FTS checkout stations will be located near all high-traffic laboratory areas, including site entrances, Wilson Hall, Feynman Computing Center, the Training Center, SiDet, the Village and DZero. Anyone wishing to use the FTS will simply scan their ID, harness the first available unit and hop on.

“I participated in the FTS trial last year, and it was a fantastic experience,” said Director Pier Oddone. “Adjustment to any new system takes time and effort – and in this case, a few pains in the you-know-what – but the pluses will far outweigh any negatives.”

Lower emissions won’t be the only benefit, he added. There will also be new offerings from the Recreation Office and expanded opportunities for the Third Thursday Lunchtime Clean-up volunteers.

Groups will also be served by the new system. The Frontier Taxi Service will be available from 7:45 a.m. to 4:45 p.m., Monday through Friday. Transportation for up to 15 people can be arranged by calling x7669 (xPONY).

“The whole transportation services team is chomping at the bit to get this new initiative off the ground,” said Business Services Section Head Dave Carlson.

All FTS participants must take the required trainings. Extra sessions of FTS Operational Procedures, Organic Environmental Hazard Analysis and Proper FTS Nourishment Container Handling will be offered through the end of April.

In Brief

It’s time for Windows 7!

Microsoft users, Windows 7 is coming to YOUR desktop or laptop!

The Computing Division is working hard to stop you from complaining about your broken machine and to help you do your job without screwing up your computer. To solve these problems we are launching a campaign to upgrade all Fermilab Windows desktops and laptops to the new Windows 7 operating system.

Why Windows 7?
Everyday tasks are easier. Windows 7 now features:

  • Rapid shut down, including the aesthetically pleasing blue-screen mode
  • Faster file access, allowing you to quickly open a document so your boss doesn’t see you playing Farmville.
  • Decreases start-up time, allowing most work days to begin before lunch.
  • More secure than Windows XP, according to a survey of 100 spambots.

“I’m really excited to share this excellent operating system with the rest of the Fermilab PC community,” said Jack Schmidt, head of Central Services & Infrastructure Department in the Computing Division. “As you might have heard, Windows 7 was my idea.”

In the News

Physicist brings in particle from home he's been meaning to accelerate

From The Onion, June 11, 2010

BATAVIA, IL—Hoping to use his office's high-energy synchrotron particle accelerator for a "real quick" personal project, physicist Neil Lippmann reportedly brought in a proton from home Wednesday that he had been meaning to collide against a fixed nickel target at near light speed. "I know we're not supposed to accelerate personal particles on company equipment, but [Nobel laureate] Leon [Lederman] brings in his own subatomic matter all the time and nobody says anything," Lippmann said. "Plus, I'll do it after five, so it's not even on company time." To assuage any further guilt over the workplace rule infraction, Lippmann promised to clean all the leptons out of the accelerator's ion trap and leave the Van de Graaf generator looking just like new.

Read more


Fermilab to host Experiment of Everything

Pictured here: everything.

Since Albert Einstein, scientists have dreamed of developing a unified theory that explains the fundamental forces of nature in one inclusive, mathematical framework. Finding this final theory, often called the Theory of Everything, is one of the great quests of particle physics.

Now a radical group of creative thinkers at Fermilab is proposing to build a colossal, one-of-a-kind experiment that would yield the elusive answer. And it won’t be 42.

“We have waited for 30 years for theorists to come up with the Theory of Everything, but they just aren’t getting it done,” said Rob Roser, current CDF co-spokesperson and future spokesperson for the Experiment of Everything. “At the last conference, after a few glasses of wine, my colleagues and I decided that it is time that we take this important task in our own hands. Putting together the brain power of 40,000 experimenters from around the world should be enough to crack this problem.”

The Experiment of Everything would check the influence of gravity on morons, look for signs of superstring cheese and spy on the interactions of Susie, one of the candidates for a Nobel Prize. After feeding all this data into a supercomputer connected via quantum tunneling to the brains of thousands of postdocs, scientists hope they will obtain the equations of the final theory, printed neatly on recycled paper.

“I’m glad to see that Rob is starting this ambitious initiative,” said Dmitri Denisov, current DZero co-spokesperson. “I will find a group of scientists and build a similar experiment on the other side of the Fermilab site, and we will discover the answer first.”

In addition to support from the National Science Foundation, Department of Energy, National Institutes of Health, Department of Health and Human Services and the Illinois Department of Health and Mental Hygiene, Fermilab is exploring additional funding mechanisms, such as renting out a room in the Director's house.

In the News

In a surprise find, it’s Hugs, not Higgs

From CERN, April 1, 2011

Secondary school student in astonishing educational-programme discovery. “Hugs boson” discovered in analysis of LHC data.

Shock. That has been the universal reaction to the announcement that the data from the LHC, which has yet to reveal the Higgs boson, has already led to the discovery of a hitherto unsuspected particle, the Hugs. What makes the discovery even more astonishing is that it was made by a 16-year-old student who signed up for the "Masterclass" programme. This programme has 110 participating laboratories and universities across Europe and gives 6000 secondary students the opportunity to perform realistic physics experiments. For the first time, the students this year have been working with actual LHC data.

Read more

Accelerator Update
April 1
- Three stores provided 42 seconds of happiness
- Pbar suffered from valve closures, bypass successful
- Store 6245 had thirst quenched
- Recycler begins cans and bottles program

Read the Current Accelerator Update
Read the Early Bird Report
View the Tevatron Luminosity Charts


Latest Announcements

Volunteer horse manure clean up day - get a free t-shirt

Learn traditional wine making with Director Pier Oddone - April 17

Fermilab Arts & Lecture Series presents Dramatic Reading of Procedures for Experimenters

Fermilab Arts & Lecture Series presents "Music, Physics and Culture" with Lady Gaga

Overworking summer students training - May 3

WH elevator emergency evacuation training - April 6

Elevators down April 1-5

What not to wear national laboratory episode filming begins Monday

Phat rhymes needed for new traffic safety signs

Review by the Committee for Responsible Acronym Formation and Treatment (CRAFT)

Pedestrian Safety Awareness at Sidewalks - Step on a crack, don't break your back

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